Too Much Information

I am STRUGGLING today. And in case the title didn't warn you enough, what follows is probably way TMI for anyone not my doctor.

Last month was a 34 day cycle. Quite long, and yes, as much as I tried to keep them squelched, my hopes were raised a teeny bit. I wouldn't let myself take a test until day 35 (have peed on too many sticks over these many months years, and am tired of wasting money and hope). So, my new self-imposed rule is I have to wait for a full week to test. I have yet to test again since instituting this rule, but hey! At least I have stopped peeing money away.

So, yeah, no go last month, and it was a weird weird cycle even beyond the lateness - I started semi-spotting on day 29 ( so my hopes hadn't been raised too much, instead I just found myself thinking "hurry up and start so we can begin a new cycle!"). Yes, that would be 5 days of spotting before starting for real. Not normal. I blamed it on the kidney infection I'd had in the middle of my cycle and the antibiotics I took for that, and was really content and peaceful about it all.

This month, begin again, and happily the dates work out that prime time for trying (I now hate that term) would be just before L's brother arrives to stay for about 5 days and he and L travel out of town together. Both of which would have put a bit of a crimp in conception attempts if you know what I mean.

Today is day 14. Yesterday I had a minor bit of spotting, but nothing that I couldn't find an explanation for (sparing the specific details; this post is already skirting the edge of what I can believe I'm sharing). I've been bloaty and crampy and super hormonal too all day. Fabulous! This evening, well, apparently this month was a 14 day cycle because I have started. What is up with that??????? I have never had a cycle under 27 days (well, never since getting married and starting to really pay attention to such things and that's been over 5 years).

Do I blame it on the kidney infection again? The medication? It never said anything about wonking out your cycle. I'm just stunned and frustrated and depressed and irritated and I don't even know what all.

Additionally, my mother has impeccable timing AGAIN and somehow managed to pick today to send me a very unhelpful email too.

I haven't told L yet. I think I'll cry when I do so I haven't had the emotional energy to bring it up yet.

What has happened to the peace I felt about it not that long ago? I don't know but I'm praying for it to come back.