So Blessed

Psalm 40: 1 ESV
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.

I Samuel 1:27 ESV
For this child I prayed,
and the LORD has granted me my petition
that I made to him.

We are shocked and amazed and so, so grateful.

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us in the past, and we'd love your continued prayers - it's still very early and after all these years of trying, we're not taking anything for granted.

Infertility Part IV: Thankful...

I've covered what I've found to be the more blessings of infertility, as well as the hardest aspects of it, and what NOT to say. Now I'll conclude with a list of things for which I'm thankful in the midst of this.

• That there have been so many blessings I've discovered along this journey.
  
  
• That my husband is so great about it. He's never blamed me in any way, and, since most treatments are much more involved for me, he's letting me decide how far we'll go with testing and treatment.
  
  
• My inlaws do not nag. I know they'd love for us to have a baby, but my mother-in-law has never said anything to me, and she got on my grandmother-in-law after grandma harassed us one Easter. Grandma hasn't said anything since. I'm not sure what my mother-in-law said to her precisely, but I'm amazed (and very thankful) that it worked. I wouldn't have thought anything would work for her.
  
  
• That I have some great friends who let me talk to them about this frequently.
  
  
• That I think I really have come to terms with the fact that I may never have a biological child.
  
  
• That adoption may be possible.
  
  
• That I don't live in a time or society where my only worth is determined by my fertility.
  
  
• That we have friends and family who are praying for us through this.

This may seem short, but the first post did cover a lot of closely related items. I just wanted to make sure I closed my series on a positive note!

Infertility Part III: What Not to Say

I've covered what I've found to be the more blessings of infertility, as well as the hardest aspects of it.

This week, the list of what NOT to say. I always assumed that people knew better than to say things like this, but sadly that is not the case. I've been shocked at how often these things have actually been said to me.

• So, when are you guys going to start a family?
  
  
• Don't you want to get started soon? 
  
  
• What are you waiting for?
  
  
• You're not getting any younger you know. Don't you want to have kids before you get too old to enjoy them?
  
  and, in contrast,
  
• You're still young. What's the rush?
  
  
• It'll happen. I'm sure of it.
  
  
• I understand completely - it took us 3 months to conceive! I thought we'd never get pregnant!
  
  
• For my second, it really took a long time to get pregnant. Six months!
  
  
• Want mine?
  
  
• You're so lucky you don't have kids. You get to sleep in and have so much free time and disposable income
  
  
• Bet you're having fun trying!
  
  
• I can't believe we're pregnant again already! We weren't even trying!
  
  
• Ugh. I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. I'm so miserable. I hate being pregnant. Nine months is endless!
  
  
• You don't have kids? Why not??
  
  
• People without kids are so selfish.
  
  
• Haven't you started a family yet? Don't you want your parents to have grandkids?

Really, I don't think I'm that cranky about it, and I don't mind hearing about other people's pregnancies or kids. I'm happy for them. I don't expect people to tiptoe around me and never mention anything about it. Just a little awareness and sensitivity would be appreciated!

Part four next week: Things for which I'm Thankful.

Update: Because after a comment made me realize I wasn't explaining myself well (and I tried so hard, but do realize how I could be misunderstood).

Some of the comments above, yes, should NEVER be said. And some of the comments may seem harmless, but after they were said to me by people who knew we were having trouble, well, that stung. (specifically, the ones about getting started soon, giving our parents grandchildren, how easily they got pregnant, how they understood since they'd had "trouble" conceiving).

Some annoy me more than anything - I don't mind people asking if I/we have kids; we're of an age & marriage length where it's kind of expected. But if I say no and change the subject, it does bother me if people keep coming back to it. And that's when the "you don't have kids" and "why not" have happened; after they'd asked the general question nicely, I'd answered it in the negative and tried to change the subject, and they came back to it as if they hadn't quite heard me. Please, no, don't do that. If I say no and change the subject, please let me.

So, I should have clarified that many of the statements bug me most of all when they're repeatedly said during a conversation that I keep trying to avoid. Or when, you know, they get hammered at us over Thanksgiving or Easter. Please don't put us into a situation where we end up telling you about our fertility issues; it just ends up making you feel awkward (it's happened) but when you keep repeating "why no kids?" "haven't you been married awhile" "don't you want a family" "kids are the best things ever - why wouldn't you want some of your own" it's likely that you'll end up having me tell you something you probably didn't want to know.

Maybe that's clearer?

Infertility Part II: The Hardest Aspects

I've covered what I've found to be the blessings related to infertility, but I would feel dishonest if I didn't touch on the hardest aspects of it.

Obviously, the continual disappointment of not conceiving is the biggie. Before going through it, I had no idea how grinding it would be to month after month have that heartbreak.

The isolation it creates surprised me. I don't want to whine about it endlessly to my friends; I don't have family I can talk to about it; there are only so many times L and I can have the same conversations.

Fighting with myself to avoid giving in to bitterness and/or jealousy. I'm certainly not perfect, but I've never really had a problem with either of those before, but I sometimes really have to remind myself of the blessings of this in order not to descend into both. It would be very very easy to become completely hard and bitter.

Working where I do. I think my job is in one of the worst possible spots; there are pregnant women and small children everywhere! I often try to avoid leaving my behind-the-scenes area since as soon as I do it will be an obstacle course of babies and pregnant ladies.

Wondering if I should start trying to come to terms with not having children. I almost think it would be easier if I knew that it was not going to happen; I feel like I could close that door, grieve it, and move on. As it is, it's a monthly reopening of the wound and sometimes I just don't know if I can take it anymore.

Obsessing over my body's symptoms. I really wish I'd never read some of those TTC posts. Every twinge became a possible early pregnancy sign, and just made the eventual "No" that much harder to take. I've gotten smarter lately and refuse to allow myself to even begin thinking of the possibility until day 35.

The endless two-week wait. I'd had no idea that two weeks could take so long. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you've apparently never tried to get pregnant.

The expense. Once you start going to the doctor to find out what's going wrong it's obvious - reproductive endocrinologists don't come cheap, and none of the tests are inexpensive. Even the prescriptions for Clomid were pricy. Insurance covers virtually nothing, so medical decisions have to be made keeping finances in mind.

The embarrassment. Sitting in the RE's office discussing details of my s_x life and my cycle and many of the tests are so not fun.

Turning something that should be about intimacy and pleasure and connecting and turning it into a chore.

The hormones! Clomid just about made me crazy. I was miserably sick physically and incredibly moody emotionally, something like PMS times a thousand. I knew I was being irrational and still could not seem to help myself not be that way. I'm supposed to do one more cycle on Clomid before moving on to other options, but I've been putting it off because I don't know if I can handle another cycle on it.

When people take pregnancy or their kids for granted. It's so frustrating to see people not appreciate what a miracle it is. And then when I hear people talk flippantly about starting a family once this or that happens, I want to tell them that it just might not be that simple.

Being in the stage of life where sometimes it really feels like we're getting news of another pregnancy every single week. Some don't phase me at all, others do and sometimes it seems quite random which ones do or don't.

Wondering what's wrong with me that God won't let me have a child. And I know that's not the issue and that it's bad theology, but sometimes it's still what I wonder.

Infertility Part I: The Blessings of Infertility

I've been hesitant to use the word. It feels so final, and so hopeless. But it's been just shy of 3 years of trying, so even without an official diagnosis, it doesn't seem too much of a stretch to start coming to terms with the word. As I do, I'm trying to focus on getting everything I can spiritually out this, and am recognizing that there have been blessings that have come from it.

It has made me completely aware that I am not in control, and my life is not my own. God is calling the shots in my life, and he always has been, even when I thought I was directing things and making my own way. My life is in God's hands and I have given it over to him; he can use it in whatever way he desires.

I'm such a planner and have regularly plotted out my life and what I'll do when. While I might have thought in passing "God willing," I still really believed many times that things would just work out the way I wanted. Why wouldn't they? It wasn't like I was planning anything ungodly.

Now I just want to laugh at myself with all of my timetables and plans. I am not in control. And I thank God that I now realize that so clearly. I try daily to pray that God use my life to bring himself glory, and that I will release any lingering claim I think I have on myself and my own situation.

I wish I could say that I would have learned this lesson without infertility, but I think to some degree it would have always taken something like this to get me to the understand it so intimately.

I remind myself daily that God is sovereign and this is His will. I know my health problems are nothing to him, and he could easily heal me or enable me to conceive and bear a child without healing if it was His will for us.

I do not know what His future plans for us involve, but I know that we are in His hands and where He wants us. Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane has taken on new significance to me now - Father, not as I will, but as you will. If it is his decree that we never have children, that's ok.

This has forced me to cling to God daily for strength. I've been so materially blessed that I often don't have the same kind of pressing need to pray for daily sustenance as do Christians in other lands, but I do have to pray daily for strength to continue on, and for faith when mine wavers, and I thank God for his grace and mercy. I am grateful that I have learned this moment-by-moment sort of faith.

I wish I could say that I don't struggle with this, but I can't. Some days I have to repeat these things to myself again and again. Some moments I find myself simply praying "your will God, your will" as I remind myself that my life is his, to do with as he pleases.

Parts two, three, and four of the series will follow over the next weeks.

Too Much Information

I am STRUGGLING today. And in case the title didn't warn you enough, what follows is probably way TMI for anyone not my doctor.

Last month was a 34 day cycle. Quite long, and yes, as much as I tried to keep them squelched, my hopes were raised a teeny bit. I wouldn't let myself take a test until day 35 (have peed on too many sticks over these many months years, and am tired of wasting money and hope). So, my new self-imposed rule is I have to wait for a full week to test. I have yet to test again since instituting this rule, but hey! At least I have stopped peeing money away.

So, yeah, no go last month, and it was a weird weird cycle even beyond the lateness - I started semi-spotting on day 29 ( so my hopes hadn't been raised too much, instead I just found myself thinking "hurry up and start so we can begin a new cycle!"). Yes, that would be 5 days of spotting before starting for real. Not normal. I blamed it on the kidney infection I'd had in the middle of my cycle and the antibiotics I took for that, and was really content and peaceful about it all.

This month, begin again, and happily the dates work out that prime time for trying (I now hate that term) would be just before L's brother arrives to stay for about 5 days and he and L travel out of town together. Both of which would have put a bit of a crimp in conception attempts if you know what I mean.

Today is day 14. Yesterday I had a minor bit of spotting, but nothing that I couldn't find an explanation for (sparing the specific details; this post is already skirting the edge of what I can believe I'm sharing). I've been bloaty and crampy and super hormonal too all day. Fabulous! This evening, well, apparently this month was a 14 day cycle because I have started. What is up with that??????? I have never had a cycle under 27 days (well, never since getting married and starting to really pay attention to such things and that's been over 5 years).

Do I blame it on the kidney infection again? The medication? It never said anything about wonking out your cycle. I'm just stunned and frustrated and depressed and irritated and I don't even know what all.

Additionally, my mother has impeccable timing AGAIN and somehow managed to pick today to send me a very unhelpful email too.

I haven't told L yet. I think I'll cry when I do so I haven't had the emotional energy to bring it up yet.

What has happened to the peace I felt about it not that long ago? I don't know but I'm praying for it to come back.

Thankful Tuesday

Just one today, but it's a biggie: I'm doing really well with having no conception success this month. Of course, I'm disappointed, but I'm not the weepy mess I was last month. I'm grateful for that because crying like I did last month is exhausting, emotionally and physically.

One More Try

No success last month, so this month I'm once again trying some medication to encourage ovulation. What I discovered the last time I tried this pill is that it makes me fairly ill; miserably crampy and bloated and headachy and dizzy. Fantastic sounding, isn't it?

If you read this and would be willing, please pray for me:

• that the side effects aren't so bad this time
• that we conceive :)
• that if we do conceive, we have a healthy pregnancy & child
• that if we don't conceive, that I have peace about it; I've noticed some months I do and other months I really struggle with disappointment and guilt and grief even.
• that if we don't conceive, that L also has peace about it; he's also struggling with disappointment

Thank you so much!

Still Waiting

My hopes were up yet again. Maybe this would be the month when our prayers would be answered and the pregnancy test would come back positive. I've been using a fertility monitor for just under a year and what I've learned from it is that I only ovulate every other month. So the pressure is on even more since if this month doesn't work, it's two months before we have another chance. Last month (which following my pattern was going to be a non-ovulation month) I took Clomid, which is supposed to stimulate ovulation. All it did was make me feel miserably crampy and like I had the flu. It was an awful week when I was on it, and in the end it still didn't get me to ovulate. This month was one when I should have, and according to the monitor I did. About two weeks ago, and our work schedules and health issues all cooperated as far as doing what we need to do to try & get pregnant if you know what I mean.

But the test this morning was negative.

And I know, I KNOW, even with perfect timing there is only a 25 or 30 % chance of conceiving any particular month. And I know that I took the test a little early, but the test itself claims to be the earliest detecting test around. According to them, I should be well within their test accuracy window.

I still have a couple of days until I should start, but I'm not the most regular, so who knows really how long I might wait, & until then I still have a tiny bit of hope. But sometimes, that tiny bit of hope is harder than no hope at all.

So I pray, and thank God for the many, many, MANY blessings he's given me. And I repeat that I want His will. But, oh, please, if His will is for us to not have children, would He please remove the desire for them from our hearts?

And I continue to pray. And hope. And wait.