Still Waiting

My hopes were up yet again. Maybe this would be the month when our prayers would be answered and the pregnancy test would come back positive. I've been using a fertility monitor for just under a year and what I've learned from it is that I only ovulate every other month. So the pressure is on even more since if this month doesn't work, it's two months before we have another chance. Last month (which following my pattern was going to be a non-ovulation month) I took Clomid, which is supposed to stimulate ovulation. All it did was make me feel miserably crampy and like I had the flu. It was an awful week when I was on it, and in the end it still didn't get me to ovulate. This month was one when I should have, and according to the monitor I did. About two weeks ago, and our work schedules and health issues all cooperated as far as doing what we need to do to try & get pregnant if you know what I mean.

But the test this morning was negative.

And I know, I KNOW, even with perfect timing there is only a 25 or 30 % chance of conceiving any particular month. And I know that I took the test a little early, but the test itself claims to be the earliest detecting test around. According to them, I should be well within their test accuracy window.

I still have a couple of days until I should start, but I'm not the most regular, so who knows really how long I might wait, & until then I still have a tiny bit of hope. But sometimes, that tiny bit of hope is harder than no hope at all.

So I pray, and thank God for the many, many, MANY blessings he's given me. And I repeat that I want His will. But, oh, please, if His will is for us to not have children, would He please remove the desire for them from our hearts?

And I continue to pray. And hope. And wait.