This week, the list of what NOT to say. I always assumed that people knew better than to say things like this, but sadly that is not the case. I've been shocked at how often these things have actually been said to me.
- So, when are you guys going to start a family?
- Don't you want to get started soon?
- What are you waiting for?
- You're not getting any younger you know. Don't you want to have kids before you get too old to enjoy them?
and, in contrast,
- You're still young. What's the rush?
- It'll happen. I'm sure of it.
- I understand completely - it took us 3 months to conceive! I thought we'd never get pregnant!
- For my second, it really took a long time to get pregnant. Six months!
- Want mine?
- You're so lucky you don't have kids. You get to sleep in and have so much free time and disposable income
- Bet you're having fun trying!
- I can't believe we're pregnant again already! We weren't even trying!
- Ugh. I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. I'm so miserable. I hate being pregnant. Nine months is endless!
- You don't have kids? Why not??
- People without kids are so selfish.
- Haven't you started a family yet? Don't you want your parents to have grandkids?
Part four next week: Things for which I'm Thankful.
Update: Because after a comment made me realize I wasn't explaining myself well (and I tried so hard, but do realize how I could be misunderstood).
Some of the comments above, yes, should NEVER be said. And some of the comments may seem harmless, but after they were said to me by people who knew we were having trouble, well, that stung. (specifically, the ones about getting started soon, giving our parents grandchildren, how easily they got pregnant, how they understood since they'd had "trouble" conceiving).
Some annoy me more than anything - I don't mind people asking if I/we have kids; we're of an age & marriage length where it's kind of expected. But if I say no and change the subject, it does bother me if people keep coming back to it. And that's when the "you don't have kids" and "why not" have happened; after they'd asked the general question nicely, I'd answered it in the negative and tried to change the subject, and they came back to it as if they hadn't quite heard me. Please, no, don't do that. If I say no and change the subject, please let me.
So, I should have clarified that many of the statements bug me most of all when they're repeatedly said during a conversation that I keep trying to avoid. Or when, you know, they get hammered at us over Thanksgiving or Easter. Please don't put us into a situation where we end up telling you about our fertility issues; it just ends up making you feel awkward (it's happened) but when you keep repeating "why no kids?" "haven't you been married awhile" "don't you want a family" "kids are the best things ever - why wouldn't you want some of your own" it's likely that you'll end up having me tell you something you probably didn't want to know.
Maybe that's clearer?