Wednesday, June 25, 2008


There has been very few times in my life when I absolutely positively 100% knew that a course of action was God's will for me. The first occurred the summer after I graduated from high school, I was suddenly struck with the knowledge that I needed to go to a different college than the one I'd planned. It was late enough in the summer where it was impossible to go that year, but I immediately set in motion a transfer.

This absolute knowledge was both a good thing and surprisingly, not so good. It was very good in that even in the face of it not making sense for logical reasons, I knew I was supposed to go there. When it looked like finances would be an issue (I was giving up a full academic scholarship at my original school), I still knew that God would provide, since I was following His will. When my three years there were difficult, I still knew I was where I was supposed to be.

What could possibly be not so good then? (I refuse to call it bad; just because I don't understand it or wish it was different doesn't make it bad.) I think the complete clarity and epiphany-like awareness of His will once has made it harder for me to hear His whispers and gentle nudges. I'm still waiting and hoping for absolute confidence that I know what He wants form me again. Once I graduated I've never again been sure if I'm really where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do. And yet I know of course He's not going to let me be or do what He doesn't will, still, I long for that surety I once had.

I feel like I've spent a lot of years semi-stumbling from one thing to another without much clear direction, hoping that open doors indicated where I should go. Two graduate programs and a couple of huge moves based in large part on a faint whisper that it was what I should do. It's hard then sometimes to explain to people why I've ended up where I am now - well, you see, I just felt like it was where I should go

My current job is like that - I was flattered to get the offer (who doesn't like being called for a job instead of having to go out and find one and apply) and the concerns I had about the position seemed to be outweighed by the other pieces falling smoothly into place.

Sometimes it seems like I'm paralyzed about decisions - holding still until I feel a nudge (or shove), but I'm not sure if this is the wisest way of trying to discern God's will.

I would love to weigh decisions with Godly friends and mentors, but I've found the few times that I have been absolutely confident of decisions I had the people I'd have gone to for counsel arguing against the decision I know is right; and this without me asking for their advice (why would I when I know what I'm to do?) But maybe I should still weigh decisions when I'm not certain, and just do what I know to when that's the case.

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