Baby Stuff

How do I balance enjoying the baby & all of that with also documenting/preserving memories? I thought of a story about him today that I should blog. Of course right at that moment I was in the midst of feeding him, so I couldn't write it down. Now, I have no idea what it was.

I don't want to forget his babyhood, but I also want to enjoy it while it's happening and not ignore him to write things down or photograph him etc.

Choosing Wisely

1. Is this causing me to desire for something that I do not have?
2. Is it making me discontent with my current situation?
3. And, even tougher, is this drawing towards me or away from my Heavenly Father?

I want this to be my guide in choosing the things that I will read. And watch. And think about.....

Thanks to Joy for her great post where I found these questions! http://sahmissionary.blogspot.com/2008/12/guard-your-heart.html

Lent

I'm not Catholic or Anglican or even Lutheran. I grew up knowing virtually nothing about Lent, and remember hearing about it for the first time when my mom said something fairly scornful of people giving things up for it. Apparently she had a friend while growing up who in January would start a habit that she didn't really care about so she could give it up for Lent and not have it "hurt." From this my mom decided that the whole idea of Lent was ridiculous.

And I didn't think anything more about it until a few years ago, when I got curious about many things religious. I've turned away from so much I was taught growing up (which is a good thing; I grew up in a very weird religious group) and so I am slowly reading and studying about many things that were before all lumped together as "wrong/sinful/misguided/whatever it was that church thought"

The more I read about it the more it resonated with me - the idea of 40 days of dying to self, symbolized by something of my choosing. It could be as meaningful or meaningless as I made it, in other words, as in so much of life, I'd get out of it what I put into it. So to speak.

So in 2007 I gave up leisure reading. If you had any idea of my love for and habit of reading you'd know what a big deal this was. This also included reading blogs and internet sites. My only exceptions were for real-life friends blogs (and at that time I think I had two). I said "leisure reading" because I still read the Bible, and devotional materials. I also read some religious biographies, so it's not that I quit reading, it's that I focused my reading time onto spiritual material only. It was very beneficial, but I don't want to just get in the habit of doing the same thing.

In 2008 I don't even remember what I tried to give up - I know it was food-related. Maybe eating after 8:00? No sweets at the computer? I don't really remember because while I succeeded in following it, it really wasn't that beneficial, not like 2007 was. There was no significant impact on my spiritual life, either short- or long-term.

So, for 2009. What to do? I don't want to do leisure reading again, in large part because I know that this is one of the last seasons of my life for awhile where I'll have as much time for it, and I'm appreciating it so much. I watch very little TV and virtually no movies, so those are bad choices - so simple as to be meaningless.

Something food-related seems like not the wisest choice. Last year I almost chose giving up sodas, since I knew it'd be difficult enough to be beneficial for me. But this year I'm virtually soda-free ever since getting that positive pregnancy test, so it's no longer such a big deal. Last year I also considered following the Catholic Lenten Fasting Regulations, but I've had such food issues with the pregnancy I sort of hate to try and put anything additional on me related to that - I'm not sure any possible spiritual benefit would outweigh what I can see as real drawbacks.

What will I do?  Well, not that long ago I listed to a podcast sermon on praying with God for one hour. It spoke to me in a way I wasn't expecting, and I've decided to try their suggestion. One hour a week. Not split up into small chunks of time. One hour. It still seems doable to me because it's not one hour a day, which would be such a huge jump in my current meagre prayer life that I'm not sure I'd sustain it long. But one day a week? I can manage that, but it's still significant enough that I think it will have an obvious impact in my life and routine. I've found a few resources online about praying one hour, including one from the church that gave the sermon that inspired me.

Because I don't want to only have Lent be about something that I do one day a week, I'm also going to add 30 minutes a day of Bible study on prayer. I'm not sure that I could do anything else right now for my spiritual growth that would have more impact than to strengthen myself as a woman of prayer.

Some sites on Lent:
Praying Through Lent
Lent I especially like his six tips at the end, especially #1 - what is holding me back from being the Christian I want to be?

And anyone would is willing to pray for me to be diligent about sticking with this plan, I would appreciate it!

More to Ponder

Why is it that no matter how many times I read a post, as soon as I publish it I'll notice a typo? Why could I not spot it before hitting that "publish post" button??

Why is it that during work days, it seems to take forever until it's 4:00 and I'm home (or close to it), while days I'm at home I blink and it's after 4 already??

Why is it that I always, *always* manage to forget at least one thing I need from the grocery store? I use a shopping list, but there's always something that didn't make it onto the list or that my eyes skipped over on the list itself.

Not Ready for Summer

My favorite season is Fall - I love the weather turning cooler, leaves changing colors and I think all my years in an educational setting have made it so fall is just as much of a fresh-start time of year to me as January is.

I like Winter too, much more than I ever expected I would when I moved to the cold Midwest after always living in Southern states. Cold temperatures just make it perfect baking weather and a good excuse to curl up on the couch with a book. I love December with the decorating and preparations and oh yeah, my anniversary is mixed in there too and that's nice.

I don't think I know anyone who doesn't like Spring - what's not to like about the world waking up after the winter rest - my yard has tulips and daffodils and my drive to work is brightened with lots of trees that bud and flowers that bloom. And my birthday is in the Spring and so of course I like that.

Then there's Summer. I already mentioned living in Southern states, and I do mean Southern states with all the heat and humidity and even dry heat that that entails. I've lived in swampy heat-states and a desert-heat state so I have plenty of experience with summer. I think that's why now that I've gotten away from it I want nothing more to do with it - I feel like I've done my time, and never again want to broil walking to my car. Several of my coworkers love the heat and always go eat lunch outside and I tell them they are crazy and I've had enough hot weather to last me the rest of my life. During August I fantasize of moving to Alaska.

All of this is background to why the start of Summer often depresses me a tad - even though I live much farther north than ever before, it still gets hot here (and humid) and we'll have our share of 90+ degree days. I find myself counting the months, looking forward to October. This year seems even tougher on me because Spring has been so short - Winter was very long and then it feels like we're right into Summer. Today it's over 80 and the weekend is forecast to be even hotter.

I just have to say, I am so thankful for air conditioning.

Thought-Provoking Questions

I recently found a list of questions on the Girl Talk blog. Designed to encourage accountability and Christian fellowship among women, I thought they were great also for self-reflection. It gives me something to work towards, as I think about how I would answer some of the questions (truthfully, some of them I would answer I don't know. So maybe I should be able to answer.

The questions:

Describe your current practice of the spiritual disciplines.

• Well, I'm working to get a better habit of prayer. I've fallen back into just having mostly on-the-run prayers as I think of them - as I'm going about my day I shoot up quick requests, praises, intercessions etc., but I don't have much of a dedicated prayer time. 
  
• Quiet time & devotional reading I have every morning (and I do have brief prayer time then, but it's mixed in with the other stuff as well). I also read the day's devotional from the One Year NIV Devotional New Testament every evening just before bed. I love this as an evening devotional - it's primarily scripture, and the amount is just right at that time of day. 
  
• I'm, well, I guess I'd call it talking myself into starting to fast. I have some hangups with it relating to my childhood/adolescence but I know it would be good for my spiritual growth. 
  
• At the moment I can't think of any other spiritual disciplines. I'm sure I will as soon as I post this though. 
  

What is a passage of Scripture you have been meditating on recently?
I've got my weekly memory verses, but I can't say that I really meditate on any Scripture. I'm not actually sure what to do to meditate on scripture; I know that sounds silly, but there you have it. I've tried before but it ended up being me just reading the same verse or passage again and again, trying to think about it alone, but finding my mind wandering to anything else.

What fruit of the Spirit are you cultivating?
You know, I've never thought to specifically cultivate a fruit of the Spirit. But I do like that idea. The personal quality I had wanted to work on this year is discipline, and the way I mean it seems like I could call it self-control, so I would say that. I just never thought about it being a fruit of the Spirit.

What sin are you seeking to weaken?
Uh, yeah, transparency while blogging, right? I'm not sure what to call it exactly, besides the lack of self-control/no discipline. Specifically how it is manifested in what I eat, how I don't exercise, and my frequent laziness (sorry, no other word for it) when it comes to housework. It's frustrating, because I have very good self-control in some areas (financial for example) but why can't I translate that into other areas?

How can I pray for you?
Besides that I would grow in self-control? That we would either have a healthy child or we would find peace that parenting is not God's will for our lives. And actually, we had always hoped for 3 - 4 children so I am also needing to come to peace with the fact that based on my age, that possibility is growing more and more dim.

Here is an evidence of grace that I observe in your life.
Ok, this one doesn't really apply since this is where the accountability partner is supposed to answer.

How are you seeking to grow in expressing biblical femininity?
I have no idea how to answer this.

Remodeling Along

The bathroom continues on schedule (apparently; I never heard what the schedule was but they're pleased with the progress). The new vanity is in place, as are the dual medicine cabinets/mirrors. The shower is mostly tiled (still need to do the bench & shelves) and the tub is about 99% done. And by tub I mean the surround above it along the wall. Still to do is the wall between the tub and shower. And then I guess everything gets grouted, unless something else has to be done to it first. As you can tell, I'm not very aware of the specific details. But it looks great!

I think I've figured out part of what is giving me such difficulty with the process. I'm not the best housekeeper unfortunately, but our bedroom is virtually always in pristine condition. And about the only exceptions to that are due to illness or getting ready to travel or just returning from travel. And when traveling, it gets put back into shape within a day. And I didn't realize how much I counted on having something that truly is a haven. Even if my kitchen needs work, or my living room looks very lived in, I could go to the bedroom and see something peaceful and uncluttered. Except for now, when it is dusty and cluttered and furniture is pushed every which way, and dusty and we barely have a path to get to the bed, and did I mention it's dusty?

My haven is gone. And apparently I counted on it more than I realized.

So I'm counting down until the bedroom can be put to rights, and I'm trying to figure out if I can take any time off from work to devote to cleaning. I'm actually really looking forward to CLEANING. That may be a first.

I'm not sure why it makes a difference to my mental well-being to know what's bothering me, but it does, and I'm feeling significantly better than I was Monday.

Although I do know the real reason I'm feeling so much better than I was Monday. Prayer works.

Thoughts on 31 Days of Praying for My Husband

• I really found it helpful to have a specific prayer focus for my husband for each day.
  
• Unfortunately I found it becoming almost routine some days - I'd create the post, send up a quick prayer and that would be it. The first week or so I felt like I integrated the specifics into my overall prayers.
  
• I did really like having the daily prayer posted on my blog however - I've gotten into a bit of a habit of viewing my blog from work as I eat lunch. I never post anything, but I've used the time to review my week's memory verse and the day's prayer. That was very beneficial - I especially like the way it brings my focus back on God and His Word during the work day. 
  
• It made me appreciate my husband in specific ways, as I reflected on him and his character.  
• I found it expanded into helping me think of specific prayers for other people - friends and family. 

End of the Year

I love this time of year. Seriously. I love the whole starting-overness of January 1. I love reflecting on the year that was, and anticipating the year that will be. I love closing out my financial stuff from the year that's ending and seeing how we've done. I even love setting up our budget for the upcoming year. I love setting goals for the next year.

So, in the spirit of the end of the year, here's a list of things about the year that was and the year that will be.

Best things that happened in 2007:

• Vacations with L - Arizona and Michigan and DC. Seeing how happy L was when he got to spend time with his brothers.
• Trip to NY with my friend. Best of all, it was for work so it was free for us!
• Tony Dungy won the SuperBowl. Ok, so there were some players involved, but I admire Dungy so much I'm just focused on him.
• L's work moved offices and he's now about 5 minutes from home. This is good for our budget (less money spent on gas), and good for his mood now that he doesn't have to deal with the traffic hassles he had before.

Biggest disappointment of the year:

• No success in getting pregnant. We're at two years + of trying.

What I wish I'd done differently in 2007:

• I briefly had a good habit of exercise, but was ill for a week and never got back to it. I wish I hadn't given it up so easily because it just makes it that much harder to get started again. This could have also gone under biggest disappointment I guess, because I am disappointed in how little discipline I have when it comes to diet and exercise. I'm very disciplined in some areas so why I can't make the transfer and have the same discipline with my eating and exercise habits I don't know
• Still haven't found a church home and kind of gave up trying. L just doesn't seem interested, but I really do want to start attending regularly again. Actually, I want to do more than attend, I want to belong somewhere.

What I'm most looking forward to in 2008:

• The presidential election being over. Just have to make it to November...
• We're planning on traveling west this May. South Dakota, Wyoming, and Colorado. Visit with some family and see some mountains. Awesome!

What I'm most NOT looking forward to in 2008:

• The endless political ads & TV coverage of the election until November. And I'm not even in an early primary state so we haven't even had the ads some places have (I can't imagine being in Iowa or New Hampshire or South Carolina. Although I guess at least they have a chance to have input on who the rest of us will be choosing between in November. Our primary is so late that it will almost definitely be decided already by the time we would get a chance to vote. I REALLY hate the primary system we have. Actually I hate the electoral system too but that's another rant.)
  

Work

L was strongly encouraging me to quit my job today, as in immediately. He thinks it's not worth the stress and "why make yourself miserable." What prompted this was I was not very enthusiastic when he asked me to do something for him right after I'd gotten home (understatement). He wanted to know why it upset me so much, and I told him it didn't upset me, I was just tired and the thought of having to drive another hour (in bad traffic) on top of the 40 minutes (in bad traffic) I'd just driven was not exactly thrilling.

I just feel like I should stay through February at least, because of a big project happening in January and February, which some people are counting on my help with it. My best friend at work is also going to be gone for a block of time in there and I've promised her I'd cover for her. So basically, if I quit immediately it really hurts three people, specifically the three people I'm closest to in the whole place. I don't want to put them in a bind which I would if I left now.

What I am thinking about doing is taking one day off a week. My boss wouldn't agree to me switching my schedule to a four-day work week, coming in early and staying later to fit in all my hours, but perhaps I can create my own. If I'm going to be quitting then I'll want to use up my stockpiled PTO time anyway, because they only pay it out at 50% I believe.

We're on vacation all next week, and I'll also take off through the 26th, so I really only have a few more days left in December. And 3 of those 5 days my boss will be gone, so that will help. I know, that makes it sound like I'm a slacker or something who wants the boss gone so I can goof off. Not true, she just exhausts me and/or drives me crazy whenever she's around. And I say exhausts because she is an EXTREME extrovert and I am an EXTREME introvert and when she talks and talks and talks and talks to me about things like what her dog did the night before I want to bash my head against my computer keyboard. She's a wonderfully friendly person who is great at the public side of her job - presentations and things like that - but she just talks endlessly. One of my brothers can also be like that, but with my brother at least I can tell him I need a break from the talking so please let me have some peace. That wouldn't go over so well with her and if I tried it I might no longer have any dilemma on when to quit my job because I'd be fired.

Anyway, I've drifted once again with my post. I think I'm still in the same place: as much as L is encouraging me to just quit because he thinks I'm miserable, I would feel really terrible about putting my friends in a tough spot, so I'm determined to stay through the end of the big project, which will be no later than the end of February. It might even be sooner if we make good progress on it. I'll have a better idea about that once we start in early January.

I am continuing to pray though that God will make it clear to me what I should do about the situation - quit now, quit later, don't quit at all, find a job somewhere else, stay home full-time, find a part-time job somewhere near the house to avoid the commute, etc.

Uninspired

That's how I'm feeling about work lately. I'm getting supremely frustrated with things that used to not bother me, or at least not much. I know a lot of my frustrations are because I never expected to be in the job for as long as I have been (3 1/2 years now) but I still need to figure out a way to deal with it better, or decide that it's time to move along.

But to what, that is the real question, and one I've been debating for quite awhile. Since my husband & I have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years, my interest in pursuing a serious career-type position is low. However, there is no guarantee that we will ever have a baby, so perhaps I should get serious about moving out of my dead-end job. And I shouldn't call it a dead-end job, because it's not like what that usually implies. It's just there is no place to move up in my job, unless some coworkers leave, which isn't something I really want to wait on.

The hubs is encouraging me to just quit - we don't *need* my paycheck, although it does cover all those fun things like new computers, regular vacations, a generous eating out budget, etc... It's also what's allowed us to save up that often recommended 6-month emergency fund. We'd have to watch our spending lots more, and not put as much money toward paying the mortgage early. Maybe that's not reason enough though.

How Am I Using My Time?

This is prompted by an old post I ran across:
http://www.xanga.com/MrsCatherine/554917138/where-does-it-all-come-from.html

I find some of her comments really piercing, and they are ideas that I want to keep in mind as I go through my days.

For example, she observes that many times people

“complain about not having any time to do the things they need to in their homes” [and yet they may belong to dozens of online groups, subscribe to numerous online newsletters and blogs, etc.]

I know this has been an issue with me at times - I’d often rather play online than do what I know I should be doing, whether it’s housework, studying the Word, or even spending time with my husband. Sad but true.

As she questions

“What are we doing with our time?”

I’ve gotten much better about this - thinking about how exactly I’m spending my time, whether it’s online, or reading, or television watching. I’ve caught myself at silly websites and thought that I don’t want to waste half an hour playing around on that - there are more worthwhile sites I can visit with my computer time. I never had much of a TV habit, but I’ve become even more selective with what I’ll watch, knowing that I don’t want to find an evening has been frittered away on insignificant shows. I want to get maximum enjoyment out of any TV I do watch, so I have a couple of programs, and watch them after they’ve been recorded so commercials can be avoided.

I’ve always been a voracious reader, and used that as an excuse to read books that really aren’t that valuable or even enjoyable sometimes. My thinking was always that I can read really fast, so it doesn’t matter all that much. However, over the last year I’ve become much more selective about my reading, as it finally really sunk in that even at my reading speed there are way more books that I want to read than I’ll ever get to, so do I really want to spend my reading time on so much fluff?

My fiction reading has dropped dramatically, although I do still enjoy a limited amount. I read a lot more Christian Living / Spiritual Growth books, and I read the Bible daily. One of the most helpful ways for me to see the limits on what I can read is I set the book I plan to read for the month in one spot - and it makes it very clear that I have more books than I can even get through for several months (most are library books too - I am very blessed to have a great library system that I can take advantage of). I’ve already got September’s books in a stack, and plenty for October as well. I’ve been known to cull books from the to-be-read (TBR) pile when I realize that there are much higher priorities.

She also asks:

Do you spend your time being fruitful or do you waste it away on petty insignificant stuff[?]

Specifically she’s talking about physical clutter, but it also applies to how I spend my time, my money, my talents, my LIFE. I don’t want to waste my life, but instead make the most of all that I have. I want to hear “well done my good and faithful servant.” God’s given me 24 hours in my day. How am I using it?